Stop Setting Yourself Up for Failure and Get Clear on Real Personal Change
It’s that time of year again…start of a new quarter, a new fiscal year for some, a personal marker for resolutions for many of us. It always sounds great in the beginnings, doesn’t it? The new gym membership, rolling out corporate goals in a formal email or fireside chat video...all wrapped in fervent intent riding the wave of our “ringing in the new” sentimentality and the energy coming off the holidays and new year’s vibes.
So, why does most of the data show that these actions and sentiments are unsuccessful or even abandoned before the end of February? Sobering details to follow (insert sad sounds here)…
Key Timelines for Giving Up (personal resolutions and business goals alike):
First Week: Around 23% quit within the first week.
Quitter's Day (Second Friday in Jan): A major drop-off point, with many abandoning goals by this day.
First Two Weeks: Some reports suggest 88% fail within the first two weeks.
End of January: Up to 43% may give up by this point.
Mid-February: Roughly 80% have lost their resolve by February.
Becoming the Outliers
What if I told you that my experience proved out three actions that meaningfully resulted in real change for me personally, and professionally for the leaders I’ve had the honor to work alongside?
Take Real Control - According to Adam Grant’s recent post on LinkedIn, we focus on the wrong thing in this process. The key point here is many people throw out vague goals that are outcome based. For example, we’re going to increase our sales by 15%, I’m going to lose weight, or I want to limit my social media to 2 hours a day. Sounds reasonable, right?
The truth is, our control is only in what we can fully control – ourselves. Full stop. We might influence others, including our children or our employees, but we never fully control them. Control in this context includes our words, our actions, our choices, our beliefs, but not the outside world, the behavior of others, and a myriad of other things. Do all of those “other things” potentially effect whether or not we are successful in our new year’s endeavors? Sure. Viktor Frankl famously said, "You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you". At the end of the day, we still control how we respond to stimulus from the outside world. Embracing the fact that the percentage of what we can prevent or control of those “other” things is miniscule can be a real game-changer about where we focus our time and energy.
Habits and Systems - A critical second point in Adam’s post references work from James Clear, writer of the book Atomic Habits. This is one of my favorite reads and reference books for executive coaching because it is focused and actionable. I’ll give you the 30 second snapshot - there is no magic here and no quick fixes, but the results really can feel magical with discipline and fortitude. Clear repeatedly references that powerful habits are, “small, repeated changes in behavior” and he says (very wisely as this has proven out in more organizations that I’ve worked with than you would imagine), “You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.”
Here’s the thing – Most New Year’s resolutions are goals without systems, without a clear HOW or even WHAT. Organizations announce initiatives, individuals declare outcomes—but no one identifies the leading indicators (new habits/behaviors) or redesigns the daily operating environment to allow that a new habit to take root and flourish.
A quick Business translation:
Goals = desired result (lagging indicator)
Systems = daily behaviors, workflows, cues, and incentives
👉 Leaders over-invest in what and under-invest in how
January initiatives often mistake direction for execution. Without a system for real change, motivation fades and friction wins.
Identity and Your Environment – Ever heard the phase, “we are creatures of our environment”? The reality of any goals, wishes, or best intentions is that we don’t exist in a vacuum. Instead, we live in a reality that we create through our choices, influenced by those around us, reflecting the culture we have adopted, and, in many ways, hostage to our beliefs. Who we are, or who we think we are, matters and how we think about ourselves and talk to ourselves (inner dialogue) matters even more.
Most resolutions focus on what people want to achieve, not who they are becoming. That creates short-term compliance, not lasting change.
James Clear makes an additional statement that has resonated with me over the years. He wrote, “The ultimate form of intrinsic motivation is when a habit becomes part of your identity.” Linking your decision to change to something that becomes an intrinsic motivator is like having a constant pipeline to an unending, internal fuel source. It is the fuel during good times and tough days – and resilience and purpose thrive when intrinsic motivation is driving the bus.
Linking a habit to identity is the key here (in my humble opinion). As a coach, I know that encouraging someone to change how they see themselves (identity) or their deepest beliefs is a significant uphill battle that often requires much more specialized training than I have received (pause here to offer three cheers for therapy!). Saying to yourself and others, “I am a healthy person” (identity of who you are) is very, very different to how you think of yourself than “I’m going to get healthier this year” (action/decision to be accomplished). Your words matter. “I’d like to spend more time with my kids” is a passive, maybe-you’ll-find-the-time kind of statement. Saying, “I’m a great parent that dedicates meaningful time to be with my kids” is ownership, clarity and a line in the sand for your identity. This is powerful reframing that takes back your power.
Business-ready reframing:
❌ “We need people to adopt a growth mindset” reframes to✅ “We are a company that learns before blaming.”
❌ “I want to hit more deadlines and follow up on projects” instead turns to✅ “I’m a strategic thinker that closes loops so our team can succeed.”
The takeaway here? “Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.” James Clear – Atomic Habits
This isn’t about a lack of willpower, it’s about not having a system or strategy that makes the difference. A quick personal example…
My husband and I had been focused on being healthier and were getting pressure from our medical enforcers (aka doctors) to improve our numbers (weight, sugar, cholesterol…the normal middle-age stats). Several years pass and we’re active, eat a lot of whole foods, but real change? Still out of our grasp because we’re looking at outcomes like blood test numbers and scale readings (lagging indicators). We didn’t have a system.
This year, we made major environmental and identity changes and the results have been significant. Our solution has been a three-part system in the following order:
Restate our identity language (intent) - My husband and I upgraded our identity and took back control, essentially deciding in our own ways that, “I am a healthy person who is committed to living well”. The old thinking like, “I hope I don’t get that medical condition my family member had” or “one more cookie won’t hurt if I talk a walk at lunch” went out the window.
Remove environmental temptations (change) – The think that had the biggest impact? Change the environment. Decisions followed like removing all candy and sweet treats from our house so when we get the “after dinner cravings”, it just isn’t part of the equation. He went cold turkey on sugar and bread. I cut out 90% of my sugar, no candy, and removed alcohol and sweet drinks from my beverage options. Hard work? Yes, but again it isn’t magic. It’s discipline. When we’re out, we’ve agreed to limit instances where we are exposed to desserts because we know that it is so much harder to build a new habit when the old habit system or norm is there (visible or accessible). No pedestal here by the way. We’re both foodies and once in a while we feast without limit. Over the past 6-8 months, we’ve lost weight, look better, and… feel better because we built the habits and didn’t think about (only) the outcome.
Support each other in our endeavor to honor our identities (sustain) – This means encouraging and making space for things like walks with the dog and working out both together and solo. It also means not being the one to break the pact and bring the junk into the house. We feel more like teammates in this new way of living and in many ways, we’re also showing that we’re committed to the relationship because we’re doing our part to be healthy and be there long-term for each other. Does that mean we won’t ever get sick or there won’t be medical emergencies in our future? No, but we’re owning our 50s with strength and intention and it feels a little like gift giving with each moment we honor our healthy identities (cue sappy music).
Good news – you don’t have to wait until the next NYE celebration to purposefully adopt a new way. We’re here to walk alongside you, answer the questions, offer guidance, and listen. Most importantly, it’s time…so let’s talk about who you are becoming.
